I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
