Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
