Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
organizing the empties. That sober.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
