So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
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