I'd wear matching sweaters with you
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
