The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
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