so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
But never have I ever had sex with a dirty talker before, so it was something else, to say the least. I signed up to get laid, not play Penthouse Mad Libs.
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
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