I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
