I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
Randomize
