dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
