I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
Randomize
