I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Randomize
