it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Randomize
