Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
