So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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