On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
