final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
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