I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
