im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
