Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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