So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
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