A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
