my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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