just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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