just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
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