I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
