What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
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