I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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