I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
Randomize
