come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
