My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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