hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
You are not answering and I think it is because you spent 80 dollars worth of drinks on you hot cousin.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
my being single is dangerous.
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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