hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
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