You're a womanizer and a bitch.
ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
