At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Randomize
