she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
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