Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
hahahahahahahahahahaha
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
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