if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Randomize
