i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
