so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
Randomize
