ya dads aren't the best wingmen
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
