i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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