Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
