I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
