I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
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