I'm laying in your front yard are you home
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Randomize
