i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
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