i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Randomize
