During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
organizing the empties. That sober.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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