I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
