Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
I wish I only lived at night.
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
