okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
