i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
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